


my whole life, i've felt like a burden

by Axisonal



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, My First Work in This Fandom, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, The Author Regrets Everything, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:42:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25745284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Axisonal/pseuds/Axisonal
Summary: Vanya always thought she was ordinary, a burden.And when she still thinks about it, it hurts.Extremely.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 92





	my whole life, i've felt like a burden

Letting out a shaky sigh, Vanya Hargreeves stares at the cold, tile floor. Vanya's heart ached, remembering all sorts of memories that she wanted to forget, but said memories crawling their way back into her system and haunt her. And it made her feel like utter shit, all of these exact memories of her childhood when the rest of her siblings could do something, and she was left behind.

It was like she had a disease and was highly contagious. Maybe she was the disease. And would be reckless if Reginald decided to let her go on these missions with the rest of their siblings. More tears managed to shimmy their way back into Vanya's eyes as she got up suddenly, shaking her head and storming over to the door. Wrenching it open and walking out, before coming to a small pause and looking around the hallway.

As soon as Vanya is going to walk out in the hallway, her feet feel stuck, and she can't move, and it confuses her, even though there's a small hint of frustration bubbling up in her system, and she looked down, before turning back to the bed, where her brain is begging for her to go. Vanya eventually turns around, closing the door, sitting back on the edge of the bed once she gets there.

The tears come once again, and Vanya struggles to blink them back this time, watching them fall and make puddles on her pajama pants and bedsheets. Vanya can psychically hear her father's voice, scolding her for crying, explaining to her that she has nothing to cry about, and whatever it is, she needed to straighten up and be quiet. God, it makes her ill just thinking about his voice. It's like she haunted by the ghost of Reginald. 

_Burden. Vanya's just a burden._

The words began echoing in her brain, and she grimaced. It hurt too much thinking about the things her father said, but with the voices in her head saying them? Vanya's body ached as the words repeating had continued to get louder. Vanya can't take it anymore, she feels a wake-up call, before moving over to her bedside table and opening it suddenly, searching through the contents, her hands trembling once they felt a blade.

Taking it out of the bedside table, Vanya puts it on her knee.

Looking at it from the dimly-lit room before picking it up and looking at it closer. Wondering how it got here, Vanya turned it over, examining the backside of the blade as well, before a memory hits her faster than a truck, and she gasped, wanting to put it down.

But it somehow feels right holding it in her hands, and Vanya shakes her head, knowing she isn't that person from six years ago.

However, the few parts of her brain are fighting, and her head begins to hurt because of it, and Vanya wants it to stop, she wants everything to stop. 

_YOU'RE JUST A BURDEN, VANYA! AND THAT'S ALL YOU'LL EVER BE!_

Vanya lets out a strangled scream as tears begin to make their way down her cheeks faster. Beginning to form more and more puddles on her pajama pants and sheets, and she just sobs and sobs, everything aches, everything hurts.

It doesn't feel right, and it's all her fault for feeling this way, for just reacting like this as a whole. Vanya's heart begins to speed up as she has some trouble breathing correctly, her anxiety is skyrocketing through the roof and into space, into the stars, into the entire galaxy, and she just wishes for someone to tell her it's okay and hold her until the storm was over.

Vanya had no one in this world. And the ache in her chest gets more severe, as she holds onto the blade in her left hand. Feeling an overwhelming urge to do it, to break that cycle, she's relapsing, and of course, Vanya knows she's going to regret it earlier, she just wants to numb all of this pain, all of this trauma.

She doesn't do it. Vanya immediately throws the blade across the room and begins crying more and more. Letting out another strangled scream, she knots her fingers into her hair and continues to sob, her anxiety taking over and plaguing her with all sorts of guilt and embarrassment.

Nobody's here in the room with her, Vanya knows this, but she just feels embarrassed for having a meltdown of the sorts, even worse, her sobs don't slow down, and her breathing still becomes erratic. Sniffling and hiccuping, the tears keep on rolling down her cheeks, and she hasn't felt this bad ever since the death of Ben, which makes her chest ache again.

And when she thinks nobody is in the room. Ben Hargreeves leans on the wall, his arms crossed, and expression somber, sitting next to her. 

"It's okay," He whispered lightly, looking at her, even though Vanya can't see him. "Everything's going to be _okay."_

**Author's Note:**

> I am so so sorry about this.


End file.
